Strengthening and lengthening

Pre-pointe classes didn't exist in my day.  Our school didn't use soft blocks either- we just used normal pointe shoes to save cash.  Whilst I think we shouldn't namby pamby kids, we do have a duty to protect their bodies and adhere to basic health and safety.

These days the classes are really acting as the preparation and stepping stone to getting your 'big girl' shoes.  With good reason.  Every child develops at different stages of their lives and every child's feet are different.  You won't suddenly 'be ready' for pointe shoes just because you hit 12 years old and you are in grade 4.  It doesn't work that way any more, now we know more and the information is so widely available.  There are so many factors including foot and ankle strength, core muscle control and ability to work easily on demi pointe in the first place.

When I was a child, there wasn't the capacity to think about children in the same class going en pointe at different stages.  Plus I just think my teacher didn't want to have to get so in depth about it all.  You either wanted to do it, or you didn't and you were old enough to know if you can handle it.  She was certainly not one for molly coddling and I loved her for it to be honest!  It was just a different time.

I went en pointe at 13 years old because I'd hit grade 4 ballet class and theywere 'the rules'.  I was relatively lucky in that my feet were quite strong, had a moderate arch but not high.  They adapted very well and quite quickly, I found it quite easy to get over my box and turn demi movements into full pointe.  However, I can't say the same for some of the girls in my class.  It still pains me to see bent knees and 'backward' soggy ankles.  Or even sickling.  It amazes me how these girls even manage to get up and stay there!!  It's not only painful for the dancer but it is really painful to watch and doesn't look attractive either.

The thing is, the teacher or ballet school won't see the pain or damage they have caused the child because by the time it happens they might be in their 30's and 40's and perhaps not dancing any longer.  All the children think is, 'I really want to go en pointe' and believe me, I understand.  When I was told I could go out and buy my first pair, I wanted to squeal!  It must be really heart-breaking if your friend has stronger feet/posture and can go en pointe before you, but they will be grateful in the long run!

I am now attending a pre-pointe class at my studios because, although I have danced en pointe many moons ago, my feet have had lost a lot of strength over the years.  Not just my feet, but my ankles seem to buckle at the slightest request lately.  So I thought the sensible option was to train from the basics again.

I have to say it is the best thing for so many aspects of your dancing!  We've been using therabands, wobble boards, fitness balls and tennis balls and they all play a part in the fab exercises we use.  Again - didn't exist when I was young.

Therabands/dynabands, whatever your term of preference

Your feet work against the resistance these bands give.  As you push through your demi pointe you are strengthening the arch of your foot and the metatarsals.  There are many positions you can get into with these bands but I don't see myself imitating any of the pictures at the top of this post.  Let's start small!

Fitness Balls

We have spoken about these before in a previous post - if you missed it click HERE to read it.  In brief - great for your core. Strengthening and stabilising.  Not only will these exercises improve your core muscles for pointe work, they will also emanate into the rest of your dancing, showing strong calves, thighs and feet.

Wobble boards

These were a completely new experience for me!  Fantastic piece of equipment.  I wasn't saying that at the time though.  Even just to stand on these, you are constantly working your core to counteract each last wobble in an attempt to stay still.  Then comes the challenge of trying to move on them.  Just a slight lean forward or backward can throw you're whole body out of whack!  This one takes practice.

Tennis Balls 

Roll these on the arches of your feet and really push down as you do this!  Then use each toes separately to push down too.  Great strengthening exercise.  

Your feet and ankles will love you for doing this class before you ram them in a satin-disguised foot-crusher :-)

I've already felt the benefits roll right through into my other classes and my dancing is already getting stronger.  Little by little I'm building up those corse muscles.  My aim is to be able to hold my leg at 90degrees in a la séconde........ for more than a second!


We're aiming for this kind of control :-) !!:

Doesn't she get tired?!
Posted by Ballet: love, photos & videos on Thursday, September 3, 2015

Darn Pointe shoes!

As promised, I am writing a quick guide on what to do about the ends of your pointe shoes.  I have leant many things from my first few pairs of pointe and I just thought I would share with you a few points.  

Disclaimer:  These are only my opinions from my experiences using each method - It is by no means stating the 'best' or 'worst' methods or materials.

Back when I was a teen,  I didn't have the luxury to say 'Oopsie, that didn't work'.  My pointés had to last me a good while so whatever I'd done to my shoes - I had to live with it for a long while.  Whether it be white-washing them or sewing on ribbons in a peculiar way. Because of this, every time I prepared my shoes in a different way, I got a full experience of how it felt to dance in them.

Fully darning with crochet thread

This looks so pretty when it is done correctly.  I used to love spending time doing this properly.  You have to use a chain stitch to spiral right from the centre of the tip, all the way to the outside.  Be sure to go slightly over the edge for stability.  Then stitch from the sole of the shoe on he pleats and the side wings.

Pros: 

• Looks wonderful and very neat.
• Gives a great platform and 'softens' the sound of the shoe AND the impact on your joints.
• Gives an extra bit of grip as opposed to the open satin.

Cons:

• Takes a VERY long time if you've never done it before. (If you are likely to keep going through your shoes quickly - this probably isn't ideal.
• It IS a little complicated if sewing isn't your thing
• I found it isn't actually not the most slip-resistant material- it is very good - but not great to have all over the platform.

Suede Toe Tips

This is so easy and a lot of dancers like to do this , especially for people who don't like sewing or can't sew- or for people who go through shoes very quickly.  Speedy and convenient.  I used these for a few of my pairs.  Just simply cut the tip to size and length you need from the sole to the platform.  It should just fit snugly to keep the sole and toe tip in line with each other.

Pros:

• Quick and easy to apply
• Give good friction to begin with - better than the open satin.
• Looks nice and neat, a simple clean look to your shoe.

Cons:

• Depending on what glue you get to apply these, they can catch on the floor and become loose with frequent dancing.  Very irritating to keep adjusting/fixing/applying more glue.
• They don't ever fix exactly to your shoe just the way you want
• After the first month or so of dancing, the suede wears down and actually becomes more slippery than the open satin! It starts to look black.  This is the suede wearing off and I personally wouldn't use these any more.  I was attracted to them for ease of use but they aren't the best long term for people who don't change their shoes every week or so. You are better off just spending a little more time with a different method.

Ripping and darning

Saving the best 'til last.  This method was and is my favourite.  I did it for my last pair and I've now used the method for my new pair after all these years.  You don't need as much sewing ability as option number 1, but you do need a little patience and skill.  

Get your scissors and make a cut into part of the satin on the platform.  Cut all the way around in a circular pattern right to the edge.  Then rip the rest of the satin down over the pleats to reveal the canvas material.  Then stitch just one row of chain stitching all the way around the platform (slightly over the edge), making sure to catch the canvas too so you are stitching the two materials together.  Otherwise you will just end up with the satin stitched and flapping away from the canvas!!  You can stitch right down to the sole if you like - I just prefer the stability of leaving that part free.  

I LOVE this one for overall durability and it is my fave method hands down.

Pros

• Relatively quick to do if you have a few basic sewing skills.  Much quicker than method 1.
• The canvas has optimum grip I found compared to suede, fully darned and bare platforms.  It will also last.  Even if it wears down - it doesn't lose friction.
• The 'platform' created by the darning creates stability when going en pointe - gives you an extra sturdy base to work with.
• Ripping the satin off to the canvas across the pleats underneath also prevents slipping when you do a posé into arabesque etc. (Obviously nothing can completely protect you from this and you really need to get over your box and 'push forward' when you are going up en pointe- but I think this method helps counteract this the most)

Cons

• If you have absolutely NO sewing skills whatsoever - this could prove a little tricky.  Have a go!  Plenty of tutorials floating around on youtube.

So there you have it.  My opinions on what the heck to do with the bottom of your pointe shoes!  I hope you've found it helpful.  Feel free to ask any questions - or if you have any tips, that would be great too!

A New Pointe

I decided if I was going to start trying to get back en pointe in the near future, I needed new shoes!  My last pair were from 2005 and looking very shabby.  A pair of threadbare socks would have given me as much support as the battered boxes on those babies.

So back into the confusing realms of pointé shoe hunting I go.  Always so many questions - especially if it is your first pair.

1. What size?
2. What width?
3. What brand?
4. Full shank, half shank, 3/4 shank?
5. Vamp shape?
6. Padding - what type lambswool? toe caps? gel support

I always used to just go with what I knew and try not to deviate from this too much.  Freed shoes, 4.5, medium vamp with beige gel toecaps and a bit of thin elastic around the ankle to stop the back slipping off.  This time I decided to see if anything else took my fancy. 

In terms of fitting, I think that was pretty straight forward.  Always go to a shop with a variety of makes.  This way, you can try on several designs and know what suits your foot the best.  I tried Freed, Capezio, Bloch and Grishko.

Freed - I always knew were ok for my feet and it is just what I knew.

Capezio were generally too bulky and 'wide' a feeling for my feet.

Bloch weren't too bad but I felt way too 'in' the shoe and it seemed to hurt in awkward places once en pointe.

I tried various widths, boxes and vamps in all shoes too.  If it is your first pointe shoe fitting - be prepared to set aside an hour.  A good pointe shoe fitter will take you through certain positions to help you feel what shoe is right for you.  There will always be a little pain -especially if your feet have never seen a pointe shoe -  but it is good to start to feel 'right' pain and 'dear-lord-wrong!' pain.  

The 'right' pain is just the rubbing on certain joints in a pesky toe maybe - you may get a few blisters etc.  However the 'dear-lord-wrong!' pain is the type that radiates to your ankles or metatarsals.  You might feel a 'twisting' feeling if your shoe is slightly too big, for instance.  

A good fitter should also be able to see the shank isn't centralised up to the back of your heel, if that is the case.  If it is moving off -centre - then the shoe is too big.  They may also grab at the excess fabric to see if there is too much at the heel.  Or - if the shoe has a short vamp and you have longer toes - this may cause pain and definitely wouldn't be the right shoe as it may push the front of your foot too far forward, not giving you enough support around your lower foot. Sounds a bit complex but, again - a good fitter will guide you through this.

My experience was somewhat different.  I'd been through a good few pairs and fittings in my late teens and remembered it well to know what I was looking for.  After trying on several pairs to compare, the Grishko Nova jumped out at me.  The shoe felt like it was actually made for my foot!  I could wear it with just a toe cap and an iddy biddy one for my pinky.  I probably wouldn't do this when dancing a lot so tried it with a thin gel pad too and it felt just as nice.  If anything a little more comfy.  I know that many people say these days that you should wear as little padding as possible so your toes can actually have a bit more space - but I think I found a happy medium.  I can always remove the gel pad if they feel too cramped anyway.

Even though I hadn't been en pointé properly for a verrrry long time - who can resist holding a chair back and doing a few relevés to see how beautiful they look.  So shiny and new!!  I gazed at them for hours, appreciating them whilst I could.  I knew that after a month or so they would be starting to look very scuffed and marked.  

The next task would be the darning - could I remember how?  Should I used a suede cap instead?  Should I try a different method altogether?  I'll address all in my next blog post ;-)  So watch this space.

Oh and if this helps anyone - here is a great little article on finding the right pointé shoes for your feet and how to discover what foot type you actually have - you might be surprised! 

Read the full article  HERE :-)

(example image from the article below concerning foot shape and your box shape)

P.S - DON'T just start hopping up onto pointe if it is your first pair  - I only did because I was taking a lot of weight off my feet and my joints had been used to the movements in the past.  You should really be supervised by your teacher when you first start out.

xxx

Core-blimey!

Sorry it has been a while!  Summer has been full of endless activity and not too much time to sit and document it!

The dance school I go to shuts up shop at the end of term so I hoped they would still have some classes to go to throughout the 6-week long summers holidays.  I was in  luck!  There were classes all throughout July and a couple in August so I wouldn't lose the impact of all the hard work I'd put in so far.

The first two classes were lead by my usual teacher.  She did a combination of normal work and core technique classes with huge gym balls.  I really enjoyed the technique classes as my core is the HUGE thing I need to correct and engage.  After so many years of very little activity and a major abdominal surgery scar to contend with, I knew I had my work cut out.  

My abdominal scar goes right the way from my right side all the way over to the left.  It it a regular battle since my recovery from a very odd teratoma tumour a few years back (long story - very boring).  Consequently, any strenuous activity requiring me to engage my middle section is very difficult.  Back bends are almost out of the question and any tough core exercises tend to pull at every fibre of the muscle that didn't ever really knit back together properly.

Having said all that - I have definitely improved a significant amount over the last few years.  At one point I couldn't even sit up in a chair without collapsing back into it, so to be able to even get back to ballet class at all is a God-given miracle for me!

In the first core-class we were given so many exercises involving placing your feet on the ball, back and shoulders plastered to the floor whilst you lift your bum and hips as high as you can.  All this without, of course, rolling off the ball onto the floor in a big sweaty puddle. :-)

I honestly couldn't understand how all these 15/16 year old's managed this with ease and didn't so much as even blink as they steadily drove through each move with their fab abs! I on the other hand, became the sweaty puddle I referred to just now.  Just trying to lift my bum off the floor even two centimetres seemed to be sending my feet into a wobbly mess.  Each shake trying to counteract the last.  I couldn't believe how much effort it actually took to just hold positions I once would have found easy.

However,  practice makes perfect, and this is very true!  I bought a gym ball (Davina's bright green fitness ball)  and carried on the moves at home in-between classes.  By the third class I could hold the positions and even attempt some of the arm movements to increase the difficulty.  I have to say, I wasn't particularly a fan of the ' just for fun' exercises we were given at the end of the last class.  The equivalent to wheelbarrow races in pairs whilst rotating your arms between each move.  I couldn't rotate my arms at all!  It put so much strain on my abdominal muscles it actually felt like they were tearing!  It was all good fun but a bit too much for me by the end! Haha!  Especially as the young fit 16 year olds put me to shame.  Anyway - I definitely feel like I am making huge improvements!

When practising at home- my partner Mark joins me sometimes as he bought he own ball too!  Although - he has commented once or twice that he doesn't want to bother doing the typical ballet move sections because he is only bothered about his core- not his arms or back etc.  I tried to explain that it ALL activates your core - you just don't realise but I don't think he would believe it unless he was told by a professional.  I know how much core strength it takes just to be able to hold yourself in a sitting position, so believe me, all the movements and adjustments work your core!!

The last couple of classes were taken by Anoushka, who dances in musicals in the west end!  She has been in Shrek and 42nd street, which is just fab!  Her classes were trying to cater for a variety of abilities that came along and I think she managed it really well, extending some movements for some and simplifying for others.  It was a wonderful, lyrical class with lots of 'dancy' sequences which I love.  Pas de basque turns, waltz turns and posé coupé turns which left me dancing out of the studios.

Do comment and let me know your experiences with technique class, core workouts or anything you want to really!  I would love to hear from some of you out there in the big, wide scary adult ballet world 

When you can't 'do', just 'be'...

Physio sessions are a strange animal.

I remember feeling very nervous when I had tiny needles inserted into the backs of my legs at various key points.  How acupuncture works was explained to me in full but I just can't be sure if this actually did anything for me to be honest.  It did make the area extremely tender and more sore for a good few days after the session! 

However,  a good sports massage each week right on the spot where I'd torn the muscle really did help.  At the time,  it was very painful, but in a good way.  You know the kind of pain like when a scab is sore and so itchy it makes you want to pick it??  The feeling when a gum is tender but chewing on something solid relieves it a little bit........Yeah.  Like that.

It seemed to loosen my muscle up and give it much more flexibility.  This really helped when doing healing exercises set by my physio.  After each session, she would tape up my leg......I'm not entirely sure what that was doing either... If anyone knows - feel free to educate me!  Something about support?

I was prodded and poked and taped up each time for 8/10 weeks (I lost count of exactly how many weeks I had away from ballet because it just seemed like forever).  After the arrogance of trusting my own instinct the first time I tore my calf, I listened to my physio and only returned once she'd given the go-ahead.

Whilst I was away from the barre, I quickly realised I was already becoming obsessed with my passion again because I couldn't stop thinking about absolutely everything ballet related!

I spent hours watching adult tutorials on youtube and tips on flexibility:

FYI - link here to Kathryn Morgan's channel which I stumbled across :-) - some great tips to improving extension, turnout and more!

I watched everything ballet-related that I could get my hands on.  Have you ever watched 'Breaking Pointe'?  It is a Ballet documentary following the lives of the dancers at the 'Ballet West' company in the USA.  I was hooked.  Anything that gives me a little insight to a company and allows me to become immersed in the illusiveness of day-to-day ballet life is exactly the kind of material that feeds my obsession.

I then went online and started shopping (a dangerous activity for me).  I ended up  getting way ahead of myself and bought gel pads for pointe shoes, leotards a plenty and a few dance tops.  Bearing in mind I am nowhere near the ankle strength or ability to even think about getting back on pointe.  

This is what I'm like you see.  Running before I can walk - especially with ballet as I expect my body to just revert to that of my 18 year old self, as I have mentioned in previous posts.  When you've been signed off your little twinkle toes for a while and you only have your brain for company, you have to entertain yourself somehow.

So I say go for it.  If your laid up  and you want to let your mind get carried away with itself because your feet can't - then why the heck not?  If it makes you less down about being away from the studio, then immerse yourself in videos, literature online shopping and beyond! :-)

"When you can't 'do', just 'be'"

xxx

One step forward and..........

After I'd been back at the barre for a couple of classes, I quickly realised that it would take a long time to rebuild strength in my ankles, legs and core.  My arabesques would no longer go above a 90 degree angle and my arches were decidedly flat.  

I think after hanging up my pointe shoes many years back, my feet had actually straightened out.  The bunions looks less fierce and my blisters had faded.  Obviously they were healthier now but useless in terms of beautiful ballet feet.  I made a mental note to work on foot stretches.

I asked one of the teachers if I could observe a grade 5 class of hers, thinking this would probably be the best place to start back at the beginning.  All the students were between 16 and 19 and seemed to be capable of performing most moves with little complexity.  As I had finished my previous training at 'Advanced Two', there was no way I would be able to start back from there again so I decided this class was a good place to get back to working on my technique and strength.

After two sessions in the grade 5 class I found this really was the perfect place for now.  I knew all the set exercises, sequences and movements like I'd never been away, but every time I looked in the mirror, it reminded me how far behind my body was.  The moves were easy to remember but not so easy that I wasn't challenging myself.  I had a good platform here.  

I began to feel like I needed more (when you get the bug you seem to make your whole life about ballet).  So I signed up to an extra ballet class later on in the week actually designed for 'Adult' ballet dancers.  In this class there were people of all ages and sizes which was great!  The teacher was less formal and more about making the class to suit everyone.  The trouble was, there were complete beginners in the class too, so the work was sometimes simply how to tendu and degagé properly.

It began to get a little tedious, however the teacher would always make up sequences and mini-dances to accommodate the rest of us who wanted to do more.  I suppose this is a fun and 'freeing' way of taking class because it doesn't  bind you to making improvements on specific areas and it is more about having fun.  The thing is,  I didn't want my class to be random and fun.  It may sound silly but I want to work hard and improve.  I don't mind messing around a bit once I've made some kind of progress but this class felt a little 'loose' for me.  Not only that, but the teacher would fit in far fewer exercises and allowed too much chat in between each.  I didn't feel like I was working up enough of a sweat or focussing on improving quite enough.

Then it happened.  In the adult ballet class, there was quite an unconventional way of warming up.  Everyone would form a circle and do a variation of side-steps and gallops.  However, as this was such an odd way of warming up to me, my muscles weren't used to it.  That, combined with the fear of falling over, or not quite keeping up with the lady in front of me, I found myself constantly over compensating to try and keep my balance and felt very 'stiff' in my movements.  

I tensed up further as the music ran away with itself and I felt a huge 'SNAP' in my lower calf.  'Ohmegawd-ohmegawd-ohmegaaaaawd!!! What happened!!?'.  The odd sensation crawled its way around my whole lower leg, mutating into an agonising pain that left me quite light-headed.  In my 15 years of full time ballet as a young girl, I had NEVER injured myself.  Never broken a bone.  Never fractured a bone.  Never even pulled a muscle.  So when this happened, I had no idea what I had actually done.

I carried on the rest of the class and took it a bit easier, not using that leg where I could help it.  I thought I'd perhaps just pulled the muscle and it would get better over the next few days.  Over the next few days it actually felt worse, if anything.  I decided I'd better get it checked out at my local doctor's.  He said my muscle seemed fine, nice and soft.  'Maybe just rest for a few more days and take it a bit easier when you go back to class'. (Later, my physio told me this was the worst and most lazy answer you can give anyone who's injured themselves whilst dancing).

I took it easy and skipped the next class to be on the safe side.  When I returned I began the weird warm-up exercise with the rest of the class, not wanting to be a diva and sit it out. BIG MISTAKE.  As I was furiously trying to keep up with the person in front and not hold up the person behind, I felt my legs tense up again.  Just as the teacher told us to change direction, 'SNAP!'.  'Oh Christ I've done it again'.  Except this time it felt so much worse.  I then felt what seemed like a thousand hot sharp little pins stabbing me all over the same area.  I tried to carry on but had to just mark out the moves in a lot of the exercises.

By this point I'm sure the teacher and other ladies in class must have thought I was such a drama Queen.  This had happened twice and I was already weak and not performing well in class anyway.  I knew I would be embarrassed by the limitations of my body, especially after my abdominal surgery a few years before, but I didn't expect this to happen.

I got so angry, thinking this issue would now never go away.  I told myself that this time I must take it really seriously and seek professional help so sort it once and for all.  I sought out a local physiotherapist who specialised in gymnastics and dancing injuries. 

After assessment she told me I had a grade 2 muscle tear right at the bottom of my calf.  She said it was quite bad and might take between 6-12 weeks to heal properly.  She advised that I stay away from class until I am healed completely or I would only keep doing the same thing again.  Then it really would become a constant area of weakness.  I'd told her I'd done it previously about a month ago and what my GP had said.  She told me you should always seek a physio after anything muscle related because GP's aren't specialists.  If you are dancing or taking part in any type of physical activity regularly, then  you should really see an expert.  

Apparently I was lucky I didn't tear my Achilles tendon because that would have been much worse.  She went on to say that after examining me, she could feel a small little 'hole' where the tear was, so the GP couldn't have done a very thorough investigation.  I did say that he had only examined the first time I'd torn it, to be fair.  

So I spent the next 12 weeks off ballet having treatments, grumpy at the fact I would have to go back to the beginning, yet again!

(My calf taped up, after treatment from the physio)

I think I had taken things too quickly and stayed at a class which I knew wasn't right for me.  I should have stuck with the one class and built up slowly to two but ballet is so addictive you just want to run before you can walk!  Or grande jeté before you grande battement!

Top Tips:  

• Don't go to a GP for muscle pulls/tears - always seek a professional.  
• Don't do an exercise you know you shouldn't just because you don't want to be embarrassed. 
• NEVER return to class because you're itching to get back when you haven't fully healed properly.

All lessons which I had to learn the hard way.

Back to the beginning...

After at least 9 years of no dancing (Beyonce club-style dancing doesn't count)  I decided enough was enough.  I had to stop 'letting life get in the way', which is a phrase my slimming world consultant over-uses and I utterly loathe.

Being apart from what you love for so long doesn't just pull at your heart strings, it can break them if your not careful.

I was 18 and had twinkled-toed my way right up to 'Advanced Two' during my time at the City Academy of Ballet, in my home town.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with ballet exam terminology, there are numbered grades 1-5, some methods of ballet differ from others, including a grade 6 but I was taught the Russian method.  We had Grades 1-5.  Each consisting of a  'lower' and an 'upper' exam.  So we took 10 exams in total before we started taking what are considered to be professional examinations.  Then you would progress onto 'Intermediate Foundation', 'Intermediate',  'Advanced One' and finally 'Advanced Two'.

So I was working at Advanced Two level in my final year at my school before I had to leave to start my new adventures at university.

After three years of university and half-heartedly trying to attend various ballet classes but not quite ever fitting in or having the time to commit properly, I started to lose my skill, ability and body.  Always thinking in my mind 'Oh it's not been that long, I'll go back when I return home and pick up where I left off.'.  What happened?  Life got in the way, that's what happened. Ha.

Three years later, I returned home with degree in hand.  My first job was at a local TV studio and I progressed up the ranks in the years to come.  The trouble was, my hours of work were glued within unstable and unpredictable patterns.  I knew I couldn't commit to regular ballet classes and as my former principle used to say, 'If you can't commit, it's as good as not showing up, ever'.  I fully agreed with her.  Ballet isn't something to be treated like a hobby even though technically, it is.

Still.  I told myself that I would only be in this line of work for a year or so.

5 years on and 4 career jumps later, there was a time I could have possibly returned to ballet, however I had a slight near-death experience that left me out of work for 6 months and nowhere near ballet-bodied for a good year after that.  I did however, attend pilates and do exersises at home so that my limbs didn't completely turn to mush.

After the 6 year mark, I found myself applying for a charity job which had been a tiny distant 'one day' dream of mine.  After gaining client management experience in the TV/retail sector, I decided I had enough experience under my belt to jump ship.

FINALLY believing I was now in a position to go back to ballet and FULLY commit, I enrolled in a newer local dance company.  I didn't feel I could show my face at my old school after losing my ability to even perform a decent plie without rolling my feet or turning my knees in.

When I looked up from 'life' and opened my weary little peepers, I realised 9 years had passed since I was fully immersed in the world of ballet.  It may sounds stupid, but I was genuinely shocked when I found that my body refused to do ANYTHING that resembled what I once knew as natural.  It was very very depressing.  I was disappointed and angry at myself that I had lost something that I held so dear. How very bloody careless of me.

You really do tell yourself each year, 'It's like riding a bike- I haven't forgotten anything in my mind so it shouldn't take long for my body to catch up.  It's not been that long.............right!??'.  WRONG.  YOUR BODY HATES YOU FOR BEING A BUSY, SELF-INDULGENT MESS WITH NO RESPECT FOR YOUR PASSION.  Ok, I may be being slightly hard on myself there, but that is honestly how angry I was with myself once I realised it wasn't going to be as easy as I'd thought.

But I tell you what- my heart was finally happy again. Hearing the bouncy piano notes waft through the waiting room of the ballet school. Watching the excitement, sparkle in the eyes of people leaving classes- hyped up on adrenaline.  Glossy frames of ballerinas gone-by, adorning the hallways to the studios.  Barres, mirrors, ballet shoes.

I'm finally home.

"If your heart knows where you should be, you will always end up at the right place in the end."